Healthy Boundaries in a World of Expectations

Why Chasing Approval Will Leave You Miserable

Regardless of the relationship, everyone that encounters you has at least a few unspoken expectations for how they think you should live, lead, and make decisions. Recently, my wife and I experienced just how intense those expectations can get. We made a personal choice to keep some big news—our 8th child—quiet for a while, the whole pregnancy in fact. When the time came to share the news, one unexpected surprise was the strong reactions from people who felt entitled to the information sooner. It was a potent reminder of how overwhelming other people’s expectations can be and how easily they’ll suck the air out of you if you let them. I shared more about the experience in this video.

However, the more I reflect, the more I recognize this situation isn’t limited to our personal decision about the birth. It’s a larger issue we all deal with in many aspects of our lives. Whether it’s the pressure to live up to expectations of family and friends or meeting the constant demands of work colleagues, living by what others think you should do, say, or be is exhausting. And, it’s not just exhausting—it’s suffocating. I’ve experienced this in my own life and seen and heard about it in the lives of others.

However, the weight of it all doesn’t have to crush you if you push back by setting boundaries. With boundaries, the expectations of others don’t have to dominate your life and drain your joy. This is why learning to properly push back the expectations of others with boundaries is a lesson that applies to everyone, and one we all need to take seriously.

Top Takeaways

“You have to live your own life—No one else can do that for you.”

No matter how many people give you their input, at the end of the day, you’re the one who has to live with your decisions. And, this isn’t about ignoring other people’s advice or failing to consider how your choices impact them. In fact, being considerate and thoughtful about the people around you is critically important. But there’s a huge difference between considering others and living for them. You can’t make decisions based on what will make other people happy. When we chose to keep our baby news quiet, it wasn’t because we didn’t care about others’ feelings. It was simply the right choice for us at the time. And, as much as some people didn’t like it, they weren’t the ones living with that decision—we were.

“You set your boundaries—Don’t let anyone else do that for you.”

No one is entitled to dictate your boundaries. Not your friends; not your boss; not your family. People may not like them, but they don’t have to. Because we kept our news private, some people got upset. However, that reaction said more about them than it did about us. The same is true in your life. You’ll always find people who feel entitled to more of your time, your attention, or your decisions, but they aren’t. Now, to be clear, setting boundaries isn’t about being cold or unkind; it’s about being clear about what you will and won’t accept in your life. And yes, setting boundaries will come with repercussions. Some relationships might need to change. However, you get to set the terms because you’re the one who has to live with the results.

“Joy is yours to protect—No one else can take it from you unless you let them.”

When you let others define your experience, you will always end up disappointed. We’re all familiar with moments where we’re excited only to have someone else react negatively, which is why the opinions of others can’t be the basis for your satisfaction. When we finally told people about our baby, some people were downright pissed, and we could have let that reaction rob us of our joy. However, we made the conscious decision not to let it. Their feelings about our experience doesn’t have to define ours. Remember, when you’re chasing approval or validation of others, you’re also handing them control of your joy, and you don’t have to live like that. So, guard your joy, because it’s yours to protect—not theirs to take.

“Relationships are built on trust and respect—If they’re missing, it’s okay to walk away.”

Healthy relationships require trust and mutual respect. When those essential ingredients aren’t there, it’s okay to accept the relationship isn’t what it needs to be and take appropriate action, no matter who they are. Too often, we feel obligated to keep up appearances and maintain relationships at all costs, even when they’re unhealthy. And, despite your best efforts, some people won’t respond the way they need to. However, it’s not your responsibility to control how others behave, but you can control how you respond. Walking away from a relationship that lacks trust and respect doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’ve recognized your worth and set a boundary that protects your emotional and mental well-being.

“If you don’t have a consistent standard, you’ll keep moving the goalposts—and everyone will be frustrated.”

You need a consistent standard to measure your boundaries against. Without it, you’ll find yourself swept up in the moment, and your shifting standards will leave everyone—including you—unsure what to do. Feelings change, culture changes, and trends come and go. I’ve made my standard the Bible. It’s what defines my values, guides my relationships, determines boundary lines, and establishes criteria for making decisions. Now, I fully recognize not everyone shares that particular standard. However, without something durable, you’ll quickly find yourself trapped in a never-ending cycle of creating and recreating the rules. So, whatever you choose, make sure it’s something you can count on because constantly changing boundaries aren’t boundaries at all.

Concluding Thoughts

Life is hard. We’ve all got challenges to face, responsibilities to carry, and obstacles to overcome. But why make it harder by trying to live based on what someone else thinks it should be? Furthermore, if you don’t set our own course, someone else will always be right there, ready to set it for you.

Now, I’ll admit breaking free is no easy task. We’re wired for approval, and it often comes from a good place of genuinely caring about others. However, we also live in a culture constantly telling us how we should look, act, lead, parent—you name it. Unchecked that pressure is impossible to escape, and it will suffocate you, which is why you have to pause and ask yourself, “Whose life am I living, really?”

Now, before I close, I want to be crystal clear about something. Living by your values and setting boundaries doesn’t mean not considering or caring about others, far from it. I’m not advocating for the trendy, “me first” mentality. In fact, believing you have to choose between doing what’s right for you and considering others is foolish and a false dichotomy. It is completely possible to respect others’ opinions, listen to their input, and care about them as people while still choose a path that’s best for you and your family. The two don’t have to cancel each other out. However, you’ll need to make decisions that reflect wisdom, truth, and love, which is ultimately where true freedom lies.

Oh, and like with everything, you’re going to mess it up. You’ll stumble, let the pressure get to you, and care too much about what others think. And that’s okay. Just get back up, say you’re sorry if needed, and continue putting one foot in front of the other. Just make sure with each step you’re being intentional about protecting your joy by setting healthy boundaries and living your life—not someone else’s. Because, you’ve got one life to live, and no one else can live it for you. So take ownership, set the terms, and walk forward in confidence, knowing you’ve been made for something greater than other people’s approval.